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From the Desk of Brad Smart: How to Topgrade Your Partner

AI Resume resume keywords Applicant Tracking System May 21, 2024 12:00:00 AM Topgrading Team %

Over the many decades of Topgrading, it occurred to divorced clients that maybe Topgrading methods might help assure better relationships. When the subject is broached, most people respond, “Suggest to my partner that we arrange calls with the other’s recent partners – what a wacky idea!” But …. maybe not so wacky! Several senior managers I’ve known actually did it – with much better success in their subsequent marriage. When people think of Topgrading, they think of the steps, and yes, most of the steps can be modified for marriage rather than hiring. Pretend it’s for you, and here they are:
  1. Create a Job Scorecard. Produce a list of your competencies and the competencies you would like in a partner. It includes you literally typing out your life goals, your career goals, a brutally honest list of your strengths and weaker points, what you want from a partner, what role you expect for your partner (career? kids?), and the personality traits and skills (competencies) you hope a partner has.
Wow – that’s a lot of work, right? But, the alternative so often is for people to just think of how they feel, and believe that applying rational due diligence, rational analysis, and rational decision making isn’t appropriate, because it’s … so un-romantic. Partner Topgraders say that both are important.
  1. Background checks. Many people dating these days don’t even have a cup of coffee with someone without having done a background check - learning about where the person has lived, their work history, criminal record, past marriages, etc. Women especially, and understandably, do these checks for protection. Most background information can be learned in a few dates … except criminal records.
  2. PreScreen Snapshot. No, you don’t administer it, but you use what is most powerful in the screening tool: the PreScreen Snapshot instructions include the Topgrading Truth Motivator – “a final step in the hiring process, when a job offer is on the table, is that you’ll be asked to arrange reference calls with the bosses you’ve reported to.” The version for partner Topgrading: “Since we’re getting serious, and thinking that a more permanent relationship is possible (moving in together?), let’s agree that we’ll arrange calls with our former partners (marriage partner, serious dating partners, persons we were engaged to).”
Put succinctly, when getting serious, agree to reference check each other’s past dating and marriage partners. This is a crucial test. If your intended partner reacts with, “Sure, that’s a great idea” that’s a good sign, suggesting that their previous partners wouldn’t say anything too negative. If they pause and then say, “No friggin’ way.” Ask why, but the chances are very high that if you talked to their previous partners you’d hear about negative traits that would cause you to terminate the relationship. That’s what the unwilling partner fears. It’s a matter of TRUST: if your partner doesn’t trust you to keep the relationship if you heard negatives, do you want to continue the relationship? It’s like, “What are you hiding?” In business, A Players are always eager to arrange calls with their bosses, confident that their bosses will sing their praises. Candidates who fudge their resume and interview responses drop out – they want to hide their past. For a lifelong partner, isn’t the past important? Sure, people change, grow, overcome “deal breakers” with partners, but the “partner Topgraders” we’ve known say, “I’ll trust that someone has changed for the better when they prove that they have changed for the better.” After 57 years of marriage, my wife and I are frequently asked for our “secret.” Simple: do NOT expect the other to change and don’t try to force change. Out of LOVE, make some changes your partner wants, so they lovingly thank you.
  1. Do the mutual reference checks. As a prelude, have some talks where the two of you predict what your former partners would say about you. Accurate predictions, including weaker points, that are not too serious, are encouraging. Wrong predictions with serious negatives heard, when the prediction was for mostly positives, suggests someone who is not self-aware.
In discussions with former partners, look for a pattern of solid values (such as trustworthy, kind, empathetic, and willing to talk through disagreements and not let them fester).  As for how far back to go in your partners’ histories, 10 – 15 years seems common. Talking with a prospective partner’s previous partners is no panacea; it won’t assure a good match. But, just as Topgrading brings an unprecedented degree of honesty, in a process fraught with candidate dishonesty, “Topgrading your partner” can bring more honesty into serious dating. We wish you luck with what most people will consider a nutty idea. And unlike Topgrading, which has been proven in documented case studies and research, there is no scientific basis for the effectiveness of “partner Topgrading.”
Dr. Brad Smart is Founder and CEO of Topgrading, Inc. Topgrading is dedicated to helping companies of all sizes maximize the hiring of high performers. Topgrading assesses candidates for senior positions (where the costs of mis-hires are high) and trains all managers to create teams of almost all high performers. Brad has seven published books on hiring; the most recent three (the first, second, and third editions of Topgrading) were all best sellers. Brad, and President Chris Mursau’s new book, Foolproof Hiring (Forbes Books), is available for purchase by clicking here. After just six weeks,  Foolproof Hiring, achieved Amazon Best Seller status. Brad can be reached at www.Topgrading.com To learn more, download our free eGuide or attend our next Topgrading Webinar. Our webinar explains the most effective recruitment methods, how to immediately identify the most honest, high performing applicants, and how to (finally!) verify what candidates tell you (since reference calls are usually worthless).

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